Transcript: Vince McMahon Calls Donald Trump
Donald Trump and Vince McMahon are old friends. The Donald has appeared on World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programing for decades and is a member of the WWE Hall of Fame. Mr. McMahon’s wife, Linda McMahon has been named the Secretary for Small Business.
We are, therefore, very excited to announce that Juris Diction was allowed exclusive access to the transcript of a congratulatory phone call from Mr. McMahon to his friend, the new President of the United States, Donald J. Trump (POTUS).
POTUS: Vince! Congratulate me on my amazing success. The millions and… [protesters outside shout “millions”] of the Don’s fans have thrown me into the Oval Orifice.
Vince McMahon (VM): Finally, the Donald has come back to Washington! Don, you’re the President! Can you smell what the Don is cooking!
POTUS: Vinnie, enough with the wrestling references. But I did layeth the smack down on all their candy…
VM: Assess what happened to Crooked Hillary, clever Don Dorleone. You showed her! If she comes back, you know what you need to do. Meet her in a STEEL CAGE. Lock her up! You tell her: “Hillary, the Donald will see you in HELL IN A CELL”!
POTUS: Vinnie Mac-and-Cheese, you stupid idiot, I only do the best: Elimination Chamber. Me, Hillary, Bill, Gina, Rosie O’Donnell, and the owner of my tanning salon – the guy never gives me a wake-up call.
VM: Hell yeah! I can see it now: Gina comes in. You stomp a mudhole. Suplex. Stunner. Low blow. 1. 2. 3. You can’t see him!
POTUS: Vin, you forgot the choke-slam. I’m going to choke-slam everyone with my massive hands. Look at how big my hands are. There is no problem here. And there’s no problem elsewhere.
VM: It’s yuuuge! Remember when you fake-bought my flagship show on TV? And the first thing you did as an owner was to fire the cross-dresser Santina Marella? Hilarious!
POTUS: V-Mac, I do remember when we had our Hair versus Hair match at Wrestlemania 23. Remember how I tied you down and shaved your hair against your will, as you screamed and begged for mercy?
VM: I knew it was a mistake to have Umaga in my corner that night. You know, that American-born Samoan wrestler who was typecast as an uncivilized, non-English speaking, savage who only communicated through growling and arm waving.
POTUS: Mac Man, I remember that night. I remember other nights as well. Like when I was escorted down to the ring by Playboy centerfolds as fake money with my face on it rained down on the crowd. Some things never change!
VM: Hey Donnie Big Hands, thanks for appointing my wife as the Secretary for Small Business.
POTUS: Vinnie Pooh, the WWE is the symbol of the small business. You took the largest wrestling promotion on the eastern seaboard and bankrupted every other North American promotion to establish an international wrestling monopoly.
VM: Humble Don, every monopoly has a small business in it. And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya! Suck…
POTUS: It’s true. Oh, it’s true. Vindows Macintosh, I gotta go now. Stevie’s bringing more books for me to autograph. I have so many fans.
VM: Big Don Stud, you go. Take your executive orders, shine them up real nice, turn it sideways and stick it straight up the constitution’s candy…
POTUS: As always. Actually, here comes Chief Justice Roberts right now…
[The sound of a steel chair shot was heard and the line was disconnected].
This is a parody piece written by Juris Diction Staff