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How to Fix OCIs

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Introductory Remarks
These new Procedures are being rolled out in response to feedback from law students and accredited law schools in Ontario about concerns raised about the summer recruitment process (which has previously been referred to as OCI’s, and will henceforth be known as TII’s [Throw-It-In]). This multi-step process is intended to be accurate:
Part A.
1. Rather than undergoing a process where each student will submit online applications to be informed of their number of on campus-interviews, TII would see all law students placed into a gymnasium (or similar gymnasium-like structure) after they have submitted their application packages. A representative from each law firm will be provided with ten labelled Frisbees, and they will throw their Frisbees into a labelled section on a grid that represents each individual law student. Sections will be increased in size proportionate to a student’s GPA and any course prizes they receive. Based on the number of extracurricular activities that students are involved in, their positions in previous organizations, additional education, and their work experience; students will accrue points for items that they can cash in to interfere with Frisbees (which can range from a butterfly net to a Nerf gun). Anyone familiar with television shows such as BattleBots knows that this process can only be improved through the inclusion of environmental mayhem, so drones will be flown by professors to attempt to deflect the Frisbees.
2. Once all of the Frisbees have landed, the students will be allowed to trade their Frisbees with fellow law students up to five times. Any student with more than ten interviews will be required to forfeit all surplus interviews to the winner of a salt racing competition, where students will race through their Faculty building carrying tablespoons of salt. The first, to cross the finish line gets their first choice, the second chooses after them etc. (unless they visibly spill any grains of salt, in which case they are disqualified). It must be qualified that the salt must be in granular, not liquid, form.
3. Anyone who does not receive an interview will receive a lemon and a bottle of tequila to complement their salty hands (or the ingredients to make Devil’s Food Cake, whatever you prefer) and be told ‘they know what to do’. All law firm representatives must assist in the tequila/cake consumption and a failure to do so will result in an automatic forfeiture of the firm’s right to ask a candidate to ‘Tell me about yourself?’.
Part B.
1. During the first round of interviews in October, interviews will continue to be conducted in the existing format but will be coupled with a two-stage tournament. Upon the completion of all interviews students will meet at 5pm to undergo a two-stage tournament, which the Law Society has coined the Wonderlic Experiential Exertion Process (WEEP).
The first stage of WEEP will be a test of strength (and an opportunity to settle grievances-à la Festivus) where students must enter into a boxing match with a peer from the law school for five, five minute rounds. The student that wins will be granted the opportunity to meet with their interviewers for three minutes to get an idea of how to present themselves during the in-firm, the loser will be invited to a pizza party, featuring the finest gourmet pizza from Pizza Pizza The second stage will be a test of mental endurance, all students will be placed in a soundproof room that plays the phrase ‘fit’ on a three-hour loop (in a cross between a 1984 Apple ad and Clockwork Orange). A student’s failure to complete any of these challenges will result in an automatic disqualification from the TII process.
Part C.
1. Once all the mental/physical wounds have healed and students prepare their outlines (the least believable part of this column) there is an in-firm stage. At the end of the ‘traditional’ in-firm interview students will have fifteen ‘immunity minutes’, where they can choose to make comments, jokes, and ask questions that they have previously been instructed to avoid (including work/life balance and their salary).
Part D.
1. Hiring decisions will be made by a phone call at 8:00 AM on the Thursday morning, and people who are not hired will be given a decorative apology cake which they can proceed to mix with their tears or choice of alcoholic beverage (I should not have written this while hungry).
Part E.
1. Finally, seven firms will be drawn from a lottery and will be required to allot a space for an additional student once the TII process for the specific geographic zone has completed. This will be performed over the nearest holiday break and will essentially be The Hunger Games set in Mad Max: Thunder Dome. The pain that occurs in there cannot be spoken of, but only seven students will exit, and they will all be hired.
Concluding Remarks
This revised process should improve health/fitness among the surviving law students, strengthen their bonds with their classmates, and encourage law firms and students to move away from the formal recruit and to focus on applying to firms that align with their specific academic/professional interests.

James Omran (3L) is a contributor for Juris Diction.

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